Invest in the human soul. Who knows, it might be a diamond in the rough. ☥ ☥ Mary McLeod Bethune ☥
☥ 26 ~ 50 years old = The King ☥ Queen ☥ Monarch (KQM). There are numerous paths
to becoming a KQM. Some people seem to be born with this quality, but everyone
must grow through to it. Often times, people inadvertently find themselves on this
path, having endured a process that was painful. They didn't realize that they would
become a KQM as a result of going through the fire, learning life lessons and enduring
the hardships. Perhaps they grew tired of playing games (and fell in love/discovered
true intimacy), contracted a serious illness/needed major surgery, had an accident,
sabotaged a relationship or fallen into a deep depression. The process of going
through the fire refined and improved their thoughts and behaviors. They discovered
that they became better people as a result of healing trauma. They know there is more
healing to do, and they are no longer afraid of doing the work because they see its
value ☥ benefits. They have dropped the need to impress/outshine, judge or compare
themselves to others.
They keep their ego in check, seek out ways to improve themselves and endeavor to mentor Pages and Knights by giving from their excess instead of their essence.
When I was in my 30's, I worked with a 50-year-old woman who acted like a Page. The ages are a guide to help us think through a healthy progression of the stages. I have a wonderful story to share about a 21-year-old King.
An Indigenous friend of mine, who is also a professional Aztec dancer, told me to round up my wannabe salsa dancing girlfriends and meet her at our favorite dance spot. She said that she was bringing someone, who was a really good dancer, so that we could practice. She of course picked the night that my favorite local New Mexico band, Son Como Son, was playing for added incentive. She showed up with what looked like a 16-year-old boy, but she promised that he was 21 and ready to teach. I was skeptical, but when he took her out on the dance floor, I quickly became intimidated and actually started to avoid eye contact with him.
However, there was no avoiding him because he was on a mission to teach us all. As he approached me, I started giving all kinds of excuses for why I couldn't possibly hang with him on the dance floor, to which he kept repeating "It's Ok, come." Somehow, amidst my protesting, I found myself in the middle of the dance floor with no escape. As the music started, he watched me carefully for about a minute and then reached out and grabbed my hands. Before I could protest, I felt tension in his hands that let me know exactly which way he wanted me to move. I began to relax and follow him. In about two minutes, he had converted me into a dynamic salsa Queen! I could hardly believe how well I was dancing. I euphorically disappeared into the music, more relaxed than I ever remember being. When the dance was over, I was ecstatic and as I thanked him, he paused me and said, "You made me look good out there" which was exactly what I was going to say to him. As I later reflected on that night, I realized why he was a true King:
☥ He built upon my current skill level by paying attention to and dancing with me instead
of being in his ego and attempting to impress me with his advanced dancing skills.
☥ He cultivated trust by giving me clear, consistent instructions that I could understand
and easily follow. Then, he gradually increased the level of difficulty, focusing on
improving our dance together, instead of outshining me.
☥ He knew that his skills were far better than mine, but he focused on increasing my
proficiency ☥ confidence and helping me to see how quickly I could adapt ☥ improve.
☥ Instead of pulling rank and making me feel like a student, he submitted to the joy of
the dance and made me feel like I was the only person on the dance floor.
I realized that the guys who took me out on the dance floor were Knights because they would dance for me instead of dancing with me which was so incredibly annoying and made me feel as if I couldn't dance at all, because I couldn't follow their complicated movements. One of the reasons why I didn't want men to take my hands is that they would spin me erratically which made me feel like I would lose my balance (and contributed to the fallacy that I couldn't salsa). I had seen other women fall on the dance floor. As it turns out, with the right man, I could be an exceptional dancer. I wished that those guys had the maturity of the 21-year-old King. My friends and I were fighting over who got to dance with him the entire night.
A true KQM delights in bringing out the best in others, knowing that it will also bring out the best from within them.
Let's digress here to talk a little bit about intimacy. I invite you to check out the video above to see how two people can connect with each other in a dance. I have reluctantly counseled hundreds of couples as a health practitioner. I ended up having to seek training in marriage counseling because it is so hard for Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant couples to find a culturally competent practitioner that they can trust. I often ended up being the catch all practitioner for many couples, because they refused to go to anyone else, and I wanted to make sure that they received support. Let's devote some time to understanding some characteristics of intimacy based on some common themes that surfaced during my work with them.
Keep in mind that each person cultivates intimacy differently, so open ☥ safe ☥ honest communication is absolutely essential. This general guide is designed to nudge you along.
Ask yourself, "Have I actually taken the time to get to know this person?" People who have been married for decades have not done this work. They make assumptions about each other without verification. As an example, drop the habit of saying "you probably" to someone. "You probably" means "I don't want to get to know you. I want to impress you with what I am inferring based on objective observation and my past experiences." We cannot co-create intimacy based on objective observation.
What we do for each other before marriage is no indication of what we will do after marriage. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
I also came to understand that men make decisions about what they think women want instead of connecting directly with a woman so that they can know what she wants. I can't speak for all women/people, but I definitely do not want for a man to impress me with what he thinks I will like (because in most cases he is dead wrong). I want a man to directly ask me, and I will tell him so that he doesn't have to wonder. The direct connection is the turn on. Because these issues have come up so many times in client consultations, I will share some characteristics of intimacy here, and I encourage people to directly ask their mate for clarity in their own personal situations (and be patient as some people need time to get clear about what they want). If your mate is not interested in clarity or connection, they are most likely a narcissist/sexual narcissist or are in deep denial/running from unresolved trauma. Be intentional about investigating the root causes of a lack of clarity in your relationship.
When I first became a health practitioner, I suffered from an affliction that seems to disproportionately affect my male clients: failure to launch. I needed a YouTube Channel, but because I studied TV production in college, I was embarrassed to put my name on anything that I could create with my crappy camera and ancient editing software. Like my male clients, I was in limbo land and couldn’t bring myself to take action. However, my clients were struggling to self-correct, and I became almost desperate to destroy any excuse that they had for neglecting self-care. So, I dropped my pride and obliterated my ego to start my YouTube Channel. I only wanted to share the channel with my clients. Then one day I was at an event and a woman came up to me to thank me for the videos I posted. When I apologized for the quality, she said that the videos seemed more real to her. Who knew?! Destroying my ego was so liberating, and I’ve learned so much by doing. I started a new YouTube Channel and to date, I have produced over 100 videos. It doesn’t even bother me if I don’t immediately get a lot of views/likes because the process is teaching me how to improve, and I can track my organic growth ☥ reach over time. My first 100 videos are helping me to figure out how to do the next 100. What I learn will put me on the path to mastery. Acting:
☥ Helps me to refine my process
☥ Highlights areas that need correction
☥ Gives me feedback on what people want
I’m sharing this because I’ve worked with several organizations that were created by and for men, and constantly found myself pushing them to launch. Many of them would not act because they thought they were not ready, had to wait until they figured it all out or that they had to fix something within themselves before they could act. These men would often be derailed when their spouse asks for a divorce because they thought everything was fine. They blew off little issues that they didn’t realize were deal breakers because they were hiding behind the “If I ignore the problem, it will go away” fallacy. Regardless of the specific hang up that surfaced, one core root cause emerged as the universal saboteur: they were trying to control the outcome. They wanted to make sure that they had everything figured out before acting. Generally, women don’t want men to figure it all out. We want men to co-create with us (remember my 21-year-old King dancing story?), and they don’t need to have ANY of the answers. Most women will think it’s fun to figure it out together and the process opens the door to a deeper level of intimacy. When men figure it all out and then come to us, they exclude us which makes us feel unloved/irrelevant. Figuring it all out means that you want to have a relationship with yourself, not another person, and the best outcome is usually something that arises out of a brainstorm between both of you in collaboration with your higher power. When we connect with Spirit, we get an answer that is so much better than anything we could have thought of on our own.
If you read my emotions blog, you’ve come to realize that there is always at least one unknown variable in most situations. I would have to work hard to help these men figure out that what they really needed to do was overcome fears connected to their self-worth and learn how to communicate effectively with their mate. They would often find that their hesitation caused them more trouble. I’m way more attracted to a man who involves me in the process of what he is thinking. I don’t have to be right or in control, but I need to be a part of the process. I feel compelled to share this because the control issue can completely blindsight a person and ruin their relationship. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, please know that your self-worth is not connected to whether you have something figured out. Life is much more exciting when we live in the mystery because we can co-create a reality that is not limited to what we can imagine.
Respect begins with this attitude: 'I acknowledge that you are a [person] of extreme worth. God has endowed you with certain abilities and emotions. Therefore I respect you as a person. I will not desecrate your worth by making critical remarks about your intellect, your judgment or your logic. I will seek to understand you and grant you the freedom to think differently from the way I think and to experience emotions that I may not experience.' Respect means that you give the other person the freedom to be an individual. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
Drop past sexual experiences. Approach each experience as if it were your first and be present in the experience. This is especially important for people who are recovering from a pornography addiction. Pornography is rehearsed/choregraphed sex created by/for sexual narcissists. They are actors playing a part, and the executive producer is most likely a man who has also learned about sex from pornography/is acting out a fantasy that has nothing to do with satisfying a woman. This is the most important root cause of faking orgasms that no one discusses. It is extremely difficult for me to get couples to talk about this with each other, so I'm sharing it here with the hopes that we can create safety in honest communication. I would rather be with a man who was a virgin so that we could co-create intimacy together than to be with a man who humps me to death like a porn star, because it is intimacy and connection that makes a person good in bed, not physical technique. Sex is not a technique. The majority of the sexual experience actually happens in the mind. When both people are present in the experience, and their connection to each other drives their physical bodies, technique becomes irrelevant and fake orgasms become extinct.
Love doesn't erase the past, but it makes the future different. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
A complicated soup of societal dynamics, power differentials and narcissism can also help to explain why we often do not speak honestly in many situations. I'll share a scenario based on some real cases. Imagine the scene of a Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant woman with a Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant man that she really loves. She finds his porn habit annoying, but he is such a great guy in every other way AND he wants to be with her instead of a white woman (finally!!!). Sex is hit or miss for her because so much of his ego is attached to all of that huffing, puffing and humping. She tries hard to enjoy sex the way women seem to in a porn flick -- and often fears that she may have a sexual dysfunction because she can often feel an orgasm coming, but it only arrives on occasion. Is the problem with him or her? Both? It's too hard to face, so she does what I beg my clients NOT to do:
☥ She lies to herself and to him, by faking it believing that it will work itself out over time.
☥ She tells herself that it's so hard to find a good man, this is just one issue - be happy
that she has a man at all.
☥ She ignores the issue thinking that it will go away because she loves him.
Fortunately, holistic health helps us to understand what goes on in a woman's body physiologically during sex. Women don't actually take much longer than men to achieve an orgasm. They often use a vibrator/dildo to achieve an orgasm as quickly as a man (holistic health discourages the use of vibrators for a variety of reasons). With proper communication, men and women can achieve synchronicity. Imagine that you see a train coming towards you from a distance. The train is moving at a steady clip, but when it gets halfway to you the track suddenly switches and, like hitting the reset button on the computer, the train is back where it started. This is what it is like for many women to attempt to achieve an orgasm.
Again, each person is different, but as a general rule, whatever the man/partner does to put her on the track to orgasm, he/they must continue to do until the train comes into the station. If they do something different, the train gets moved all the way back to where it started which increases the time it will take for a woman to achieve an orgasm.
This is not a bad thing, per se, because once or twice could potentially increase the intensity of an orgasm. However, there is a tipping point where too many sexual positions will render an orgasm impossible to achieve, or worse, cause genital irritation (which can derail sex for a week or more while the soreness heals). It is at this point that a man generally begins to increase the intensity of what he is doing which puts a woman into an uncomfortable predicament - ask him to stop or fake it so that he'll naturally stop before the irritation develops. As time progresses, she may become increasingly frustrated, but not know how to have this uncomfortable conversation - especially if she is disconnected from her body or doesn't understand why her body is responding in this way. Because she loves him, she becomes a sort of sexual martyr and will begin to make up excuses such as "I have a headache," etc.). However true love doesn't lie. These sexual challenges wouldn't exist if during the Page stage, males and females were properly taught how to embrace the process of healing instead of fearing/avoiding the problem. A few solutions that have helped struggling couples include the following (these issues seem to be less prevalent with gender non-conforming people because the process of "coming out" caused them to be more honest with/connected to themselves):
☥ Breathing and meditation exercises to cultivate presence and sexual maturity
☥ Practice the art of honest communication. Yes it may be uncomfortable. It helps to breathe ☥ pause before speaking and choose a time when you are not frustrated so that you will speak your truth with love ☥ tenderness. Conflict can be a bridge that connects you to a deeper level of intimacy with your mate (or end a toxic relationship).
☥ Be the parent that you wish you had to your inner child. So many of our fears are
coming from the voice of our inner child. Our unforgiveness of our parents (who may
have been Pages/Knights wrapped up in their own unresolved trauma) or
suppressed/repressed painful experiences do not disappear with time. Alcoholism is
an example of how our inner child copes with trauma, but children do not know how to
heal. Our work as an adult includes learning how to heal so that our inner child
expresses itself through us as creativity, conscious spontaneity and pure innovation
(instead of recklessness, impulsiveness and immaturity).
But if you take a close look at how our parents treated us, whatever abuse they gave us was often mild compared to the way we abuse ourselves today. It's true that your mother might have said repeatedly, 'You'll never be able to do that, dear.' But now you say to yourself, 'You're a jerk. You never do it right. You blew it. I hate you.' They might have been mean, but we're vicious. ☥ ☥ Marianne Williamson ☥
A man shared that his wife spends thousands of dollars each year on lingerie that is not sexy to him at all. All he wants is for her to wear one of his shirts, but he's afraid to tell her because they've been married for five years, and he has "pretended" to get turned on by her fancy negligées. He had no problem sharing his frustration with me, but I couldn't convince him to have an uncomfortable conversation with his wife. We finally landed on a potential solution that was just barely honest enough for me to offer my blessing. The next time she wears one of his shirts, he would tell her how sexy she looks and be sure to back it up with galactical lovemaking. Then he will find a way to tell her of his preference. Lack of honest communication is a major problem in relationships. I have found that women/the feminine tend to have a harsher tone when they feel frustrated. This is because they tend to let frustration build which causes them to explode. Because men truly struggle with emotions, they tend to walk on eggshells to prevent this explosion. Again, this is not necessarily gender specific, per se, but wherever you fall on the spectrum, we must co-create a healthy ☥ safe ecosystem in which we communicate with each other with honesty ☥ sincerity ☥ mutual respect.
People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
I was working with a LGBTQIA couple who had lost the intimacy in their relationship. It was obvious that they truly loved each other, but they needed to correct a fallacy that they held about love. Like a beautiful garden, our relationship requires maintenance. Love is a verb. When we see a weed pop up in our garden, and we are busy with other tasks, it's easy to say that we'll get to it tomorrow because we don't feel like making the effort. When we put off pulling "weeds" in our relationship, we slowly siphon away its energy. If we allow the weeds to take over our garden, we tend to feel overwhelmed and shut down.
The 'weeds' can make us forget about the power of love to reinvigorate the energy that brought us together.
I offered some ideas to bring them back to themselves and the relationship. I suggested that they co-create a new set of rituals that includes their version of the following:
☥ When they come home from work, there is to be no talking about work or family issues
for the first hour.
☥ No bum-rushing each other as soon as they walk in the door. Instead, give each other
time to put their stuff down, get settled and comfortable at home.
☥ When they are ready to greet each other, do so in silence. Spend at least one minute
looking into each other eyes in silence, while breathing slowly and deeply, before
speaking.
☥ The first 10 minutes of speaking is to be about each other (checking in to see how they
are feeling, if they need support in any way, etc.).
☥ Devote some time each day to talk about their aspirations, things that excite them,
creative endeavors, fun things they can do together, etc.
☥ Keep people out of their relationship. If they have an issue that bothers them, they are
to bring it first to Spirit and then directly to each other and not an outside party. This
couple happened to be two she/her pronoun females, both of whom talked about their
relationship problems or shared personal information about their partner's unwanted
characteristics/actions with their friends. Though not necessarily gender specific,
females (LGBTQIA/heterosexual) tend to be too willing to share too much information
about their relationship/their mate's perceived flaws. This unhealthy behavior is
especially harmful when we choose to vent by shaming/sharing our mate's perceived
flaws in public. I worked with these clients on setting and enforcing healthy boundaries
and practicing emotional discipline. I noticed that he/his/they pronoun and
heterosexual males tend to tell me what they need to share with their mate or will
tantamount to going to a convenience store for sushi). My research and life experience
has revealed that we too often underestimate the power of jealousy to influence our
friends/family.
People want a deep connection in their relationship without doing the uncomfortable work of cultivating true intimacy which is like holding a plug in your hand while looking at the outlet and wondering why your device isn't working.
'Real love' - This kind of love is emotional in nature but not obsessional. It is a love that unites reason and emotion. It involves an act of the will and requires discipline, and it recognizes the need for personal growth. ☥ ☥ Gary Chapman ☥
You’re always one decision away from a totally different life. ☥ ☥ Anonymous ☥
☥ Over 50 years old = The Emperor ☥ Empress ☥ Sovereign (EES). The EES have
gained so much insight from healing that they've transcended their ego and are
vigilantly focused on being of service in order to make the world a better place. They
will support people (financially, through mentorship, etc.) who demonstrate integrity ☥
determination to help solve ☥ heal the social problems of the world. They are sought
after for their wisdom ☥ expertise, which they share abundantly and work diligently to
help others to fulfill their highest potential, such as mentoring Pages, Knights and
KQMs. Characteristics of the EES include:
☥ Their inner wisdom drives their outer actions.
☥ They know the value of and prioritize self-care so that when they give to others, it is
from a place of fullness and completion. Though they are highly sought after, they
have healthy boundaries and will not say "yes" to every request.
☥ The art of self-correction is a lifestyle for them. They continually assess and
reassess to seek the best solution for a given situation as they move forward with
their plans. They will not hesitate to reorganize an agenda on-the-spot to better
serve the needs of their participants.
☥ They would rather tell you a hard truth that you need to hear than stay silent (even if
it causes you to be mad at them, feel hurt or disassociate with them), especially
when they can see that you are sabotaging yourself or headed for disaster.
☥ Instead of solving problems for you, they ask you questions that help to guide your
process and elevate your thinking. They have confidence in your abilities and help
you to recognize your strengths, speak your truth and stand in your power.
☥ They are focused on the greater good, so they are not interested in being the
smartest, best looking, most popular, etc. person in the room.
☥ They have the courage to stand up when everyone else is sitting down and to speak
up even when the environment is uncomfortable or hostile. During these situations,
they maintain their composure and act/speak with integrity, grace, authority and
respect.
☥ They don't have to do or say anything to command respect.
☥ They have a deep desire to see you do better and be better.
The EES' are intentional with the use of their platform. I truly struggled with my dark skin as a young child, but there was one beautiful voice that consistently reached out to me from the "In The Spirit" column of Essence Magazine. At the time, it's Editor In Chief was ☥ Susan Taylor ☥ a striking woman with bold braids, during a time when braiding your hair wasn't tolerated in my school ☥ Susan's ☥ column consistently affirmed messages of self-love and self-care. She used her platform to assert the beauty of my skin when the dominant culture taunted, teased and mocked me. Her voice of love helped to put me on the path to overcoming self-hatred. I don't know how I would have survived my childhood without the healing words of ☥ Susan Taylor ☥ I would have never imagined that I would meet her and that she would be an active mentor in my life. Through the National CARES Mentoring Movement, she continues to use her platform to transform the lives of Black children.
I first met ☥ Ambassador Shabazz ☥ during my years of working with a non-profit organization focused on improving the life outcomes of Black men and boys ☥ Ambassador ☥ continues to be a shining light in my life and an ever-giving mentor who is ultra-focused on preserving our culture, restoring dignity to our ancestors and helping our youth to fulfill their potential as global citizens. I've noticed that she levels up whatever ideas I have that I bounce her way. Both women are living examples of the Empress. I have no idea how to thank them for their constant mentorship of me, but I am beyond grateful to have them in my life. All I can do is strive to cultivate my inner Empress so that I can offer the same love ☥ support through my life's work.
In summary, honestly observing our thoughts and behaviors can help us think through the stages of development:
☥ The Page – What is going on? Why do I feel this way? What is happening to me? This
hurts! How do I make it stop hurting (How do I heal?)? Why won’t somebody help me?
☥ The Knight – This hurts! How do I make it stop hurting? I hope no one can see how bad
I’m hurting. At this age, I should know better, but I’m ashamed that I don’t. I’ve been
burned too many times, so I’m keeping my mouth shut, and I’m not letting anyone get
close to me (fear of intimacy/don’t know how to cultivate trust). If I work hard enough,
flash enough stuff, look impressive enough, perhaps no one will notice. I’m scared. No
one else seems to be hurting. I hope it’s not just me. I hope I’m not going crazy. I’ll just
do what everyone else is doing. Let me distract myself with ________. If I keep
running, I’ll eventually outrun it (I’m afraid to heal/grow). The only way I feel safe is to
stick with the devil I know.
The wound is the place where the light enters you. ☥ ☥ Rumi ☥
☥ The King ☥ Queen ☥ Monarch – I’m so glad that I didn’t give up on myself. I would have
healed a long, long time ago if someone would have helped me to understand how to
liberate myself from past burdens. We don’t have to suffer! I will find a way to help
others understand how good life can be. I must take better care of myself so that I
can live long enough to enjoy life. What a blessing to discover how good I feel when I
give from my excess and nourish my essence. I’ve got to find a way to help the
Knights and Pages understand that they don’t have to suffer anymore.
☥ The Emperor ☥ Empress ☥ Sovereign – Now that I understand why we hurt each other,
I must do my part to help us heal. Either directly or indirectly, what I do affects you
and vice versa. How can I help us to make better choices so that we can co-create a
better world? I can’t do this alone. I will spend the rest of my life in service to the world
and in mentorship to Pages, Knights and KQM’s to facilitate the continuous
development of Emperors ☥ Empresses ☥ Sovereigns.
Once we understand where we are, we can create a system of support to nurture us as we grow through each stage.
Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise [person] who built [their] house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish [person] who built [their] house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it. ☥ ☥ Matthew 7:24-27 ☥
A Wedding Story
Although America has high divorce rates, both the marriage and the dissolution of marriage rates have declined slightly over the past decade. As a society, we are grappling with what it takes to make a healthy marriage work. There are a slew of relationship books on the market which points to our interest in finding that silver bullet that will guarantee our "happily ever after." I told myself that I would not go to another wedding right at the time that one of my Ayurvedic teachers was getting married. Damn. She's the one person that I wouldn't say no to. So, I reluctantly agreed to attend. Her wedding was in the wine country, an incredibly beautiful drive through the redwoods of Northern California. I whined to myself in the car all the way there: "I can't believe I'm going to this wedding. I hate weddings! If she weren't my teacher, I wouldn't waste my time ..."
The wedding was at a beautiful farmhouse at the top of a mountain. The beauty of it made me work hard to stay in my sullen mood. The food was delicious. There was a selection of herbal waters, a smudge station with a huge owl feather and musicians playing Indian music. My mood changed as soon as I saw my teacher and began to participate in the activities. There are no words to describe this wedding. I have never seen anything like it before or since. I must share two pivotal moments. The minister conducted a powerful ritual. He placed a lei (made of marigolds) around the neck of the bride and groom to connect them and then he asked them to place their palms together. He poured dried lavender flowers in their palms and said:
Love is like these lavender flowers. You have to work together to hold on to it, or it will slip right through your fingers.
The visual was so powerful. Then, the bride asked for everyone to form a circle around them while they recite their vows. At some point in the process, love exploded from inside the bride and groom and reverberated out to everyone. It was overwhelming, and I started to cry. I felt like love was in me, all around me and pouring out of me at the same time. After the ceremony, I noticed that the groom had a slow trickle of tears running down his face for the rest of the evening. I had to avoid him to keep from bursting into tears over and over again. I needed those herbal waters to keep me hydrated through my joyful tears. The drive back through the redwoods was majestic, and my trust in love was restored.
A man CAN change and WILL change for a woman. But, he will only change for one woman. If he ain't changed, you ain't the ONE. ☥ ☥ Steve Harvey ☥
Does It Make Sense For A Knight To Get Married?
I once conducted a psych experiment that revealed a disturbing trend. Having grown up a child of divorce, I wanted to know what made a marriage work. Because I knew the least about males, I started surveying them first. I asked an array of men (different socioeconomic backgrounds, ages, ethnicities, etc.) why they chose their spouse. Here's a sample of responses:
☥ Well, all of my family lives in Jamaica, and I'm all alone here in D.C. I was lonely, and
she asked me to marry her.
☥ Well, when it was time for me to get married, I looked through my rolodex and asked
myself, 'Who do I know that's fun to be around?'
☥ I needed someone to do the washing, cooking and cleaning.
☥ She's really struggling at home with her parents, and she has to move out.
These answers helped me to understand why so many marriages end in divorce. All of the men were educated and successful. The first two answers came from men who were about my age. The Jamaican man was not initially a part of my research study, but he complained so much about his wife that I had to ask him why he married her. The third answer was from a man who had been married for 50 years. The fourth answer was from a college buddy (they did the hard relationship work and are still married). I also gleaned insight from men who were in seemingly happy long-term marriages. When asked, What do you do to keep your marriage healthy? an Indigenous man said that he always gives 150% to the relationship because he found that it was more important to give than to take, and it fostered an energy of appreciation ☥ reciprocation with his wife. After attending my teacher's wedding, I had to interview her. Her wedding was the first time that I saw real tangible evidence that it was possible to manifest the vision that I held in my heart. Here's a brief summary of their story:
☥ They loved each other but they couldn't live together so they separated for a number
of years.
☥ They took some time to work on themselves and found that they still loved each other
even though years had passed without contact.
☥ They had some difficult conversations in which they were absolutely honest with ☥
respectful of each other about what they could/couldn't live with. These
conversations were painful but cathartic. Once they got through the first discussion,
they didn't stop until they felt complete. The process went on for a while, and as time
passed, they realized that something magical was happening in the midst of their
discomfort which gave them the courage to keep at it. This is a pristine example of
"building a house on the rock."
☥ They co-created a vision for their life based on mutual love ☥ respect ☥ honesty
and a way to move through conflict by connecting with Spirit to allow in the greater
experience instead of settling for a compromise. A compromise means no one gets
what they want. When we connect with Spirit, we get a higher solution that fulfills us ☥
serves our highest good.
☥ Though extremely challenging at times, their relationship work caused them to tap into
a love that was so profound, they wondered if they even knew what love was before
they started the process (I felt that love at their wedding, and it rocked my world).
This love is available to all of us, but we must grow into the KQM → EES.
Basically, they met and fell in love as Knights, but they couldn't co-create a relationship that was grounded in a strong foundation until they both graduated from Knighthood. My surveys and life experience indicate that it is not a good idea for a Knight to get married. Knights haven't faced or healed their past traumas, and they are still trying to figure out who they are and what makes them happy. However Knights do get married at exponentially high rates. Female Knights are often driven by their "biological clocks" ticking, an indication that they are willing to sacrifice compatibility in order to beat the clock and check an item off their list. The stress of this search often causes them to neglect self-care and compromises their fertility. They are also in danger of weaponizing children and using both the children and the relationship with the mate to fill a void that they feel inside. Male ☥ Gender Non-conforming Knights may get married because they know that they have a good person and are afraid of losing them or fear that they won't find a better mate in the future.
In these examples, the Knights are focused on the relationship as a distraction from doing the work of listening to their innate wisdom and accepting the responsibility of healing past traumas.
A KQM/EES will not marry a Knight. If for some reason, a savvy Knight manages to get a first date with a KQM/EES, they will not get a second date. KQM's and EES' can marry each other successfully because both are on the growth path. These marriages can be exciting because they are growing in a similar direction and feel fulfillment/discover more about themselves as they progress/witness their mate evolve on their growth path. It can inspire deeply satisfying conversations and foster a deep sense of intimacy that only gets better with time. Marriages with Knights/Pages typically end up in divorce because, at some point one person starts to grow, but the other wants to stay the same. Does it make sense for Knights to get married? If both Knights know that they are Knights, and are willing to grow together, they have a chance of surviving the transition out of Knighthood as a couple. However, there is a strong possibility that they will grow apart from each other in the process, because their relationship was not established on a healthy foundation. In this case, growing apart provides an opportunity for them to cultivate a successful long-term relationship/marriage in the future if they apply what they learned ☥ practice the art of self-correction. Five On The Black Hand Side presents an example of what can happen when one Knight's growth becomes the catalyst for the transformation of their Knight-spouse (who initially strongly resented and resisted growth).
In the movie, the transitioning Knight states 'All I want him to do is relax and let me love him' which indicates that she is aware of her spouse's unresolved trauma as the root cause for his controlling behavior (which he bragged about at work). Though she cannot control his actions, her specific list of demands prevents her spouse from continuing to run away from his responsibility ☥ sets him up for success if he decides to grow in the relationship.
This is the uncomfortable work that must be done with mutual love ☥ respect to prevent a divorce between Knights. That the transitioning Knight demonstrated her willingness to speak her truth just before her daughter's wedding indicates the importance of doing the work regardless of outside circumstances. In this case, choosing to resolve the conflict together improved their ability to communicate ☥ created a deeper level of intimacy, causing both Knights to graduate to the next stage of development and transform their marriage.
I was walking asleep, dreaming I was awake This world confused me and led me astray What could I be to please my mother? What could I do to bring peace to my father? I was spinning around, 'till I finally found That part of me that was always free ... ☥ ☥ Rickie Byars ☥ From The Song 'Genesis'
Once I became aware of and came to a deeper understanding of the stages, I could assess and drop judgment of myself ☥ others. Here's how self-awareness helped to catalyze my growth:
☥ I realized that if I wanted a King, I had to become a Queen which meant dropping
workaholism and perfectionism, going into the void to heal and accepting that being
my authentic self meant that I would no longer attract a large percentage of men. One
natural. My body had been begging me to stop putting chemicals in my hair, but I was
terrified to do it.
Being a Queen required that I run right into the scariest part of that fear and move forward, regardless of the consequences.
I immediately noticed a major difference in the way men looked at, approached and
responded to me. I also noticed how white people and Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant
women shifted their behavior around me. I wouldn't let any of this stop me from
moving forward.
☥ I was transitioning out of the Knight stage. On the surface, my desire to become a
monk was about my disappointment in men, but beneath the surface was an inner
need to discover who I was and what I wanted based on connection with my true self
instead of societal ☥ familial expectations. The disappointment was the emotional
trigger to help me awaken. The desire to become a monk was a hint from Spirit to find
my answer by looking inside myself.
☥ I was looking for a relationship to do the work of providing the deep satisfaction that
actually comes from connecting to the truest part of myself. I had to revisit the
concept of ☯ and focus on co-creating a healthy relationship grounded in mutual love
☥ empowerment. I realized that entering into a relationship needs to be fluid ☥
effortless, so the strong/stressful desire for a relationship was a trigger for me to
become aware of emotional addictions/distractions from doing my self-care work.
If you're walking asleep, pulled by the weight of this world So turned around 'till it's hard to discern What is up and What is down Stand still and be your own salvation You are a child of God's creation You're the light of the world ... ☥ ☥ Rickie Byars ☥ From The Song 'Genesis'
☥ I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like. I knew what I didn't want but I
couldn't articulate what I did want to myself, let alone a man. My desire for a
relationship with a man was fear-based in that I kept attempting to protect myself
from getting hurt by putting up walls instead of cultivating trust ☥ setting ☥ enforcing
healthy boundaries so that I could relax ☥ be myself ☥ open ☥ vulnerable at
appropriate times and with the right man. I suffered in relationships because I settled
for polished Knights, and I stopped believing in the existence of Kings ☥ Emperors.
☥ Instead of recognizing the tell-tale signs of unresolved trauma, I was interpreting the
behavior of men as a personal attack of my worth as a woman. This was a huge shock
☥ epiphany for me, because, on the surface, I didn't connect my self-worth to the
behavior of men. However, my strong response to their behavior was the trigger that
forced me to dig deeper and admit that something in my past caused me to
subconsciously make an unhealthy connection. This realization was important
because it prevented me from painting men with a broad stroke of negativity, and
taking their behavior personally. My worth was not based on their attraction to or
actions towards me.
☥ I had to look at my circle of friends, family and associates ☥ identify/move the
Knights/Pages out of my inner circle. Creating distance helped me to get clear and
elevate my thinking.
☥ Very few people in my life understood what I was doing/going through, and it was a
waste of time to explain myself. After the transition was complete, I would know who
to keep, how to place their level of priority in my life and who to release. More
importantly, I needed to have a system where I periodically review the people in my
inner circle to make sure they belong there. Some people that I release may be gone
temporarily while they grow, or for good, leaving room for a new experience (which
may not include new people). We cannot evolve and hold on to dead weight at the
same time (which can/often includes family).
When we release people, we can become the inadvertent catalyst for their growth.
Fear causes the people we've outgrown to attempt to hold on to us like crabs in a
bucket because they are not growing and they don't want us to grow. If our absence
causes them to face their fears and do their self-care work, perhaps they will circle
back into our lives or find a more appropriate support system. Either way, our actions
served the greater good for everyone.
I was working with my colleague at Yale University, primarily meeting with upper-level mathematicians. We had an appointment with a professor who didn't seem to be in his office. We knocked on the door one more time and heard a scuffle before he opened the door. He looked like he had just woken up. He had coffee stains on his wrinkled shirt, trash from snacks he had eaten around his mini refrigerator and it was obvious that he had been sleeping on the couch in his office. Every wall in his office was filled with equations. Though we chuckled about him on the ride back from Yale, I now have a deeper understanding of his enthusiasm for math and the process of grappling with solving a mathematical problem. When I'm writing, creating sacred geometry/art or producing/editing videos, etc., hours go by like seconds, and being in the zone is blissful. Because I am a healer, I integrate healthy food, hydration and movement into the creative process, so I'm a lot more organized ☥ cleaner than that mathematician (clutter hinders the creative process). But, I could easily lose an entire day immersed in bringing a concept to life.
Just like I didn't understand why the mathematician spent so much time alone in his office ☥ immersed in his work, people will not understand our need for an integral part of our spiritual growth process: solitude.
☥ Solitude was absolutely essential. I needed time to think and listen to the voice of my
inner wisdom. Because of our very unhealthy societal norm of rewarding people for
checking emails while on vacation etc., there is an expectation that if someone
calls/texts/emails/instant messages etc., we will eventually respond. This makes it
extremely difficult to go offline when we need to, particularly when people see
automated social media posts and assume that we're not really offline. Because most
people are very uncomfortable being alone (an indication that they are avoiding
unresolved trauma), they will not understand why I need solitude/will continually
contact me to chat/check in (even if I specifically stated that I would be offline via out-
of-office/other automated responses).
People erroneously tend to think that the need for solitude is a sign of a mental breakdown/depression instead of a necessary tool for spiritual growth, because most people don't know how to heal. We are trained to take a pill for every ailment, so we don't know what to do when our pain can't be solved with a pill.
People who appear to need a response from us often have nothing important to say. A
family member once left me a voicemail. I called him back because he doesn't usually
reach out to me. However, when he answered the phone, he said, "Oh, I was just
calling, I didn't expect you to call me back." Then he started rambling, and I had to work
to get him off the phone. The entire process was a waste of my time. The only way
around this was to set ☥ enforce healthy boundaries by focusing on my spiritual
growth and choosing how/when/to whom I will respond. I ended up only responding to
people who were somehow connected to my spiritual growth ☥ healing process. ☥ Though my path required solitude, I was never alone. My connection to Spirit was ever
fulfilling, and that connection surrounded me with an appropriate support dream team
that respected my boundaries and nurtured my growth.
There is no such thing as boredom on the healing path. Transformation comes when we become like theatrical performers in that the performance is the same with highest possible level of excellence, but the audience will change. In the same way, the daily repeated actions that we take to actively engage in our self-care, stay organized, weed out negativity, etc. are our catalysts for healing and transformation.
Grow ☥ Be Well ☥ Be Radiant
Blog Club Bonus: Contemplation ☥ Discussion (Congratulations! You Found It!)
There were so few Black People in New Mexico that I initially found myself wanting to befriend anyone who was Black. I worked with a friend of mine to create a book club so that Black People could get together monthly for fellowship ☥ high level contemplation. I couldn't offer the type of healing that I would have liked to offer, because most of the attendees already thought I was a bit of an over-zealous health nut. And, they were already annoyed because whenever it was my turn to choose a book, I chose a book by Octavia Butler, a science fiction author. However, the beauty of online content is that anyone can jump in on the discussion anonymously ☥ participate in healing exercises at their own pace.
Phyllishubbard.com functions like Yoga or Qigong in that anyone can start at any time with their current level of skill and flexibility. At first, the practice may seem odd, difficult or confusing. But if a person continues to practice, something magical begins to happen. Somehow, what was confusing begins to make sense, what was difficult becomes easier and what we once thought was odd reflects our ability to expand our horizons. Phyllishubbard.com also functions like a book in that each time you revisit the content, you may increase your level of understanding about it and yourself. I would have never been able to pull this off with our book club in New Mexico.
With all of this in mind, I would like to encourage you to explore any questions that come to you from your innate wisdom. The more you become silent, the more you'll be able to "hear" your inner brilliance. The questions ☥ exercises listed below are just a little nudge to help you to dig deeper (alone or with a chosen trusted cohort). In case you haven't read my introductory blog, which shares the philosophy behind/strategies for using this website, please note that each picture in this blog hyperlinks to a song, video, additional content, etc. (you'll find this feature in of all of the blogs on phyllishubbard.com).
☥ Listen to the music that represents the Page ☥ Knight ☥ KQM ☥ EES in whatever
combination that works for you (to find the music, click on the picture that represents
the Page ☥ Knight ☥ KQM ☥ EES; some sections have additional songs hyperlinked
within the content). Notice the similarities and differences in your interpretation of the
energy, tone, feeling and lyrics of the songs. What connections do you see that help
you to better understand each stage of development? How do you feel when you
listen to each song? Make a note in your journal of any strong reactions to any part of
the songs. This is one of the ways that your body talks to you to let you know that
healing is taking place ☥ additional healing is needed. Repeat this exercise periodically
over time and note the progression of your responses in your journal.
☥ Study this blog by switching up the way you generally interact with content. For
example:
☥ Instead of reading the blog, scan it and click on the hyperlinks. How is this
experience different from reading the blog?
☥ Study each picture. Some of the pictures are meditative pieces designed to inspire
contemplation. What do you see in the picture? Make a note in your journal.
☥ Set some time aside to watch the movies in this blog. It might help to watch the
movie for entertainment purposes only at first. Then take the time to pause and
think about any content that arouses a question or response during subsequent
viewings.
☥ Take a break and read a different blog that attracts your attention. Revisit this blog
and notice how the concepts in the blogs are related/deepens or broadens your
current thought processes. Journal how your thoughts evolve over time.
☥ Journal your honest reflections on your current stage of development. Think about
times when you:
☥ Felt happy in relationship (substitute any positive emotions that apply to you). Why
did you feel happy?
☥ Felt sad in relationship (substitute any negative emotions that apply to you). Why
did you feel sad?
☥ Felt used, abused or manipulated in relationship. What red flags did you miss?
☥ Used, abused or manipulated in relationship. What was going on with you at the
time?
☥ Chose a person to impress people/overcompensate for your perceived
shortcomings, for status or to fit in to societal expectations/social norms. What lies
did you tell yourself to sustain the façade? Were you happy in these relationships?
What did you lose by going against your innate wisdom?
☥ Didn't choose a person that you connected with/was attracted to because they
didn't fit into societal expectations/social norms (i.e. was of a different
socioeconomic status, ethnic background, etc.). What would make you choose
societal expectations/social norms over your innate wisdom? Societal norms once
dictated that the earth was flat. It took brave thought leaders to challenge
societal norms to move it closer to the truth. With what you now know, do you
consider yourself to be a thought leader or a follower of the current societal
norms? Is following societal norms worth the price of ignoring your innate wisdom
and sacrificing your integrity ☥ opportunity for true happiness ☥ fulfillment?
☥ If you are interested in a committed relationship ☥ marriage, journal your thoughts on
the following:
☥ What qualities do I want in a mate? Why are these qualities important to me? Have I cultivated those qualities within myself? If not, implement an action plan to
cultivate those qualities within yourself.
☥ How have I sabotaged relationships in the past? What will I do to prevent self-
sabotage of relationships in the future?
☥ Do I have any emotional addictions that need healing? What steps will I take to help
☥ If you are already married or in a committed relationship, journal your thoughts on the
following with honesty ☥ sincerity and without judgment:
☥ Why did I choose this person?
☥ Did we build our relationship on a solid foundation? If not, what do we need to heal
(within ourselves/the relationship) in order to transform ☥ strengthen our
☥ Does this relationship seek to serve the highest good? If not, how do we create
balance within ☥ empower this relationship?
☥ As you explore the different stages of development, do you feel judgment towards
yourself or others? If so, why?
☥ Every painful experience contains a hidden healing gem. Our job is to search
through that experience until we find the healing gem and acknowledge ☥ utilize
its lesson and blessings which enables us to:
☥ Understand, through Bat ☥ Goddess Of Interdependent Opposites, that there is
a gift in every experience. Ask yourself: What was the gift in this experience?
☥ Call on Sekhmet ☥ Warrior Goddess ☥ Goddess of Healing to assist us in
destroying self-sabotaging thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve us,
take the time to allow ourselves to cleanse, heal and self-correct. Ask yourself:
What thoughts/behaviors/people do I need to prune from my life? Remember
that when we prune a plant, it will come back healthier and more vibrant. The
same will happen in your life.
☥ Tap into our inner Menkaure, the brilliant leader who commissioned the
building of the smallest of the Giza Pyramids, one of the seven wonders of the
natural world. Menkaure used his training as an engineer and mathematician
combined with his connection to Spirit to co-create and implement a strategy
that no one can steal or duplicate. Ask yourself: Have I paused long enough to
connect with Spirit to allow in the greater experience?
☥ Meditate so that we can hear the wisdom of our inner body whisperer Auset ☥
Goddess of Alchemy. Ask yourself: Do I know the difference between the voice
of my ego (the judgmental trickster) or my true self (the still, quiet voice of
wisdom ☥ guidance ☥ transformation ☥ empowerment)? Practice meditation to
know the difference.
I hope that you will continue to move forward and enjoy your process of self-discovery ☥ empowerment. For about 20 years, I struggled with an internet security breach (check out What Is Qigong? to learn more). Once I cracked the code, I had to abruptly shut down my personal Facebook page without adequate time to inform friends and followers so that they could find me. I created a new Facebook business page (please follow). I would love to hear from you. Your feedback can be anonymous. I don't need to know your name, because I realize that my blogs tackle some tough issues that people may feel uncomfortable talking about to anyone. But I would love to know your questions ☥ what you're thinking so that we can help each other to heal. Let's continue to move forward, and let's heal ☥ nourish ☥ rise together.
Epilogue ☥ Your Treasure Map For Self-Care
Thank you for taking the time to actively engage in your own self-care. If you have ever spent time at a hammam ☥ steam room ☥ sauna, you will notice that it is a comfortable space because you are wearing minimal or no clothing and you can just be yourself. However, after a short time, it starts to get hot, and you begin to sweat.
This is a good thing because you are helping your body to eliminate toxins. If you want to detoxify your body correctly you will:
☥ Breathe slowly and deeply to help your body adjust to the intensity of the heat.
☥ Sip water every 15 minutes to stay hydrated.
☥ Have a piece of fruit ☥ pumpkin seeds ☥ favorite healthy snack available.
☥ Take a shower after excessive sweating.
☥ Go into a cold room/take a cold plunge/cold water rinse off to cool down before doing
another sweat and to stimulate your lymphatic system.
☥ Go for a walk in nature, spend time in meditation ☥ contemplation, have a healthy meal
and give your body some time to complete the healing process (which could include
sending you messages through your intuition about your next steps).
As you journey through ☥ interact with the blogs ☥ other content on phyllishubbard.com, you might have an insight that causes you to suddenly feel mentally ☥ emotionally “hot” -- which could show up as:
☥ “Ah-ha” moments
☥ A hop-in-the-bed-and-cry-yourself-to-sleep or fetal position crying time of intensive
self-care
☥ Intense feelings of anger/regret about something in your past
☥ Disorientation caused by the realization of truth
☥ Strong reactions such as heightened senses, vomiting; an urge to release emotions
such as yelling/screaming, going outside for fresh air/to take a walk, punching a
boxing bag/pillow; a feeling of tightness in the chest, etc.
If you find yourself having a strong reaction, I encourage you to flow with it while helping your body to release mental ☥ emotional toxins by using the same five self-care strategies listed above for releasing physical toxins. Your body talks to you all the time, but unconscious adherence to social conditioning can mute its messages.
Strong reactions are your body’s way of letting you know that there is a deeper issue requiring your attention.
Keep revisiting the content ☥ utilizing the five self-care strategies until you no longer experience the strong reaction, release fears and have identified ☥ transformed ☥ removed the root cause of the issue. You will find additional strategies throughout this website that you can add to your mental health self-care toolkit.
Self-Care Sustainability Suggestions
☥ A Cross-Cultural Healing Haven – read this blog to understand the purpose of
phyllishubbard.com and the meaning behind its organization ☥ symbols.
☥ Revisit the content periodically and make a note of if/how your perceptions have
evolved. Check out our blog page for an experiential healing journey.
☥ Check out the other pages on phyllishubbard.com:
☥ Home - watch the videos. Click on the images in the Spiritual Guidance
section. Each image has a story that might assist your self-care journey. Learn
about other spiritual practices.
☥ About - Learn about my background ☥ reasons for co-creating
phyllishubbard.com with Spirit. Explore healing through the image carousel and
videos.
☥ Shop ☥ Kamitology - Purchase and download vital tools for your personal growth
☥ development. Order The Chakra Emotions Energy Wisdom Quick Start Toolkit to
help you identify and heal feelings as they arise.
☥ Reclaiming Our Humanity - Help us develop and disseminate video courses.
☥ Rise TV - Practice breathing and movement exercises and deepen your
understanding of healing through the experiences of community members.
Check back periodically to discover new/re-experience the content.
☥ Journey - This is your invitation to own the journey to radiance. Experience the
journey and download healing resources to share with your friends, family and
community.
When you share healing, healing comes back to and flows through you.
About Sharing ...
During my first presentation to an all-Black audience, I introduced 20-year-old research on the hazards of sitting. I presented the research because I noticed that people sat for way too long at convenings and realized that the information was not disseminated to Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant communities. I was determined to intentionally include this research, often surprising participants by getting people up to stretch. After more than 13 years of intentional work, Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant People are just barely beginning to normalize conscious movement. We still have a long way to go, and it is important that we share what we know as much as we can to prevent the disenfranchisement of wellness information to Black ☥ Indigenous ☥ Immigrant communities.
Please do not keep phyllishubbard.com to yourself. We will not co-create a better world until we heal our current, past/childhood traumas. We will not love others until we learn to love ourselves.
Copy/Paste Version Of A Full Citation Example:
Hubbard, P. S. (2020, September 27). Is He A Knight, King Or Emperor? Part III. PHYLLISHUBBARD.COM. <https://www.phyllishubbard.com/post/is-he-a-knight-king-or-emperor-part-iii>
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